13. Self Confidence vs. Self Worth
Self confidence vs. self worth… how do they differ? do you struggle with one, the other, both? Is confidence a choice? Can we really fake it till we make it?
I came across this topic when listening to a podcast episode the other day on the similarities and differences between self confidence and self worth by the amazing Amber Lyon…and it got me thinking how understanding the two are critical in building relationships with yourself and others.
In a nut shell: Self confidence is showing up as you are in the world and owning that in every aspect. It is knowing that being you is your super power and accepting that you have no control of how others perceive you. Self worth is believing you are innately deserving of the good that is out there. They are not mutually exclusive. Without feeling you are deserving, you will be unlikely to accomplish your desires.
Self Confidence:
yes we know what it is, but what is it really? Self confidence is defined as “the belief that one is capable of successfully meeting the demands of a task” (American Psychology Dictionary). Confidence has to do with how we think we show up to the outside world - whether that be talking to someone at a party, doing an interview, or showing up to the mirror in a dress. Confidence manifests externally. Thus, self confidence is the external portrayal of self worth.
How do we get our self confidence? When we subconsciously evaluate whether we’re capable of achieving something, our internal judgment system relies on past experiences. Big life events shape our self-confidence because we tend to use our past to predict our future. As a result, our natural level of self-confidence is determined by how much luck or success we’ve experienced before. While you may not think you still are hung up on the guy not asking you to homecoming, a bad date, or an interview that didn’t go well…these event often have a grip on the storyline we tell ourselves of how we can show up in the world today and in the future. Thus, past events, relationships, and how we perceive what has happened to use is how we develop our base-line of self confidence.
How to gain self confidence:To build self-confidence, we must stop letting past setbacks dictate our future. This starts with identifying the limiting beliefs that keep you stuck in a low state of self-worth, and recognizing the past events that made you believe, “I am not enough.” When you can see that these events weren’t a reflection of who you are, but rather the result of both internal and external circumstances, you gain the freedom to move forward with the understanding that your future can be different.However, when you’ve spent years believing you’re not worthy, not interesting to talk to, or the last person someone would choose to approach, it’s difficult to simply flip that narrative. This is where specific strategies come in:
“Fake it till you make it”: although this is controversial, studies have shown that when people fake that they are good at something, with time they actually become good at it. It feels like faking it because it is unfamiliar, you do not have past experiences to draw upon so it feels like “faking” but really it is just shifting away from your past limiting beliefs and creating evidence for your future (confident) self to draw upon.
Visualization: a study on visualization in sports found that when athletes would visualize themselves acing their sport, they would perform better. While we are not about to do a vault or run a relay, visualizing yourself walking into a party and looking hot, talking to the guy you like, showing up to an interview, etc. will help you become that confident version of yourself when you are there. Close your eyes and see yourself being confident, it will feel uncomfy at first and foreign but with practice it will start to take physical shape.
Write down the storylines of why your confidence is low and then rewrite them. On the left side of a page, write out all of the past experiences that you can think of that influence how you think of yourself in the present. Underneath is point out ways that the situation could have been out of your control, due to external factors, immaturity, the other person etc. On the right side of the page, rewrite the storyline with how a confident version of you would see yourself.
Have a list of your confidence booster: have a go to list of things that just pump you the fuck up! For me that is saying hi to everyone I pass on my walk, being ultra kind to the barista or server, putting on Pink Pony Club and strutting down the street.
People pleasing and self confidence: People-pleasing and seeking external validation are often at the root of low self-confidence. The truth is, most people are preoccupied with their own lives. When you rely on others’ opinions and behavior to fuel your confidence, you're really basing it on your own perception of their attitudes. But the reality is, you cannot control how others act or what they think of you—and often, what you assume they think is simply a reflection of your own self-judgments. If you tend to be a people-pleaser, it's important to remind yourself that the only person you have control over is you. Focus on proving to yourself that you can show up and achieve your goals. Start small—commit to working on something you've been putting off for just 15 minutes a day. Over time, you'll demonstrate to yourself that you’re capable of more than you realize.
REMINDER: How people perceive you is completely out of your control. Therefore, self confidence isn’t the result of people thinking highly of you but rather how you think of yourself as that will be your perception of what the world around you is thinking of you.
Self Worth:
what is self worth? Self worth is what you believe you are deserving of due to your internal storylines, limiting beliefs, and ways you were brought up in this world. It is the measure to which you believe you deserve to be treated a certain way. It is internal, a judgement of self rather than how you think others perceive you. Self worth is where it all lies, it is the internal work.
How does self worth differ from self confidence? When you have high self worth, you believe that you are deserving of things that come into your life. Whereas, when you are confident you believe you are capable of achieving things that you face.
Tangible tips to feel more worthy:
Faith: God, the creator of the universe made each and everyone of us in his own image. Jesus died on the cross to free us from our sins. God knows the steps you take before you take them, the thoughts on your mind before the cross it, and even the number of hairs on our heads. Therefore, your worth is inherent and constant - the things that you do or do not do cannot make your level of worth grow or diminish. Remind yourself of this daily. Get a devotional, pray, talk with God and confess to him why you do not feel worthy and what you do not feel worthy of.
Begin with confidence: Although it sounds backwards, when you start to build the external confidence of how you show up in the world through “faking it till you make it” you will start to feel more worthy. It will take a period of feeling like a faker. However through showing up to external situations and achieving them, you will begin to feel like you are deserving of that success internally. Be careful though, because this can be a slippery slope…if you continue to yearn for confidence without building self worth you will be faking it but not making it.
Positive affirmations: look in the mirror and tell yourself 3 things you love about yourself. I for one can say that I often feel dissociated from my physical self. While I live in this body, I do not often see myself and interact with myself. By looking in the mirror (yes it is very awkward at first) and simply saying “I love you” you are reminding yourself of your human-ness which can then increase you compassion to see yourself as worthy and human.
Make a list of 5 things you love about yourself: These can be anything. Your smile, how you say hi to people in passing, how much you love to be outside, how you sing when you get ready, etc. Now go out and go on a scavenger hunt to find yourself doing these things throughout your week. SEE that they are already there that you are already worthy that there is nothing that you can do, go get, prove to become worthy.
We are all on a journey to further develop our self worth and therefore our self confidence. I for one feel that the days often get away from me and I do not even consider if I am a confident person or not until I am punched in the face with a picture or a moment where I feel like a tiny little fly that his been stepped on by a by-passer. So, I am committing to working on this and I hope you are too!
For me, that is going to look like writing down the storylines that are contributing to limiting beliefs and rewriting them (physically). I am going to focus on the little things that I am proud if myself for doing (posting on LinkedIn, not going to a party if I don’t feel like it, catching my thoughts spiralling in the moment and rewritting them, etc.) I am going to have my confidence boosters in my back pocket and commit to not relying on the fake boosters of boys, boos, and quantity>quality.
We got this ;)