16. I feel like this is gonna change my life.
I met with my therapist this week and she recommended a technique:
find a playlist or song that just wrecks you: i.e. Billie Eilish Before I Go, Hozier Cherry Wine…the list goes on
set a timer for 10 min (I was only able to do 5 at first)
let every single fucked up, scary, frightening, judgmental feeling come up.
At first when I did this, I felt so much resistance. I expected myself to just start wailing and feel like a balloon of emotions popped inside of me. But, instead, it was more of a steady and slow build. I imagined all of the feelings and situations that had hurt me in the past or that were top of mind. I let all of the jealousy, hatred, self hatred, self pitty, sadness, rage anything that seemed “bad” be allowed and I slowly began to cry. I am so averse to feeling “bad” feelings. I always feel like I have to “do” and the feelings that are ugly put me out of a state of doing. Therefore, I end up running. But, running leaves those feelings and those past traumas unresolved inside of my body. This was hard, but I am going to commit to doing it twice a week and I have a feeling my nervous system is going to transform.